Essential Life Skill #1: De-centering
All my studies and (personal experimental) research into happiness and wellbeing points in the direction of an empowering truth: happiness is not something you find, it’s something you create. But not in the way you think: true happiness is created from the inside as a set of skills, where it’s not dependent on external circumstances. Those skills are what I refer to as ‘Essential Life Skills’. Read the intro to these skills here.
Let’s dive into Essential Life Skill #1:
Taking command of your life by reshaping your relationship to your thoughts (and emotions).
Hi Friends,
I want to start from a personal perspective to explain this valuable skill known as DE-CENTERING.
The 3 thoughts that have dominated my mind for most of my life are:
“I’m not smart enough”
“I must have done something wrong”
“They don’t like me”
If someone didn’t text me back > “I must have done something wrong”
If I did a presentation at work and I stumbled on one little word > “I’m not smart enough”
If I saw people talking in a small group and looking over at me > “They’re probably talking about me, they don’t like me”
For the longest time, my reality was often coloured by a subtle, underlying feeling that I didn’t fit in, that I was somehow fundamentally flawed, and that I needed to be someone other than myself to be accepted and liked. I’m getting sweaty just thinking about how hard work it was to be me at the time.
The pivotal moment of change….was when I studied with Oxford’s Mindfulness Research Centre and started to learn about the mechanisms of the mind that drive these ways of thinking.
It felt like a monumental discovery to understand that these thoughts were not ‘me’. They are a bi-product of the evolutionary piece of software that runs in my mind - and also in yours - with a personal touch of early childhood experiences that instilled core beliefs about myself and the world.
Left unchecked, in particular during times of stress, pressure, and loss, these mental mechanisms give rise to increased negative and fear-based thinking that runs on a loop.
So as part of breaking my identification with these patterns of thinking…. the first step was learning the skill of DE-CENTERING, which started changing my relationship with my mind and enabled me to be infinitely happier & more confident.
So, let’s start from the top. Here are 5 of those mechanisms explained…
THE MIND: A Terrible Master but a Good Servant
In a society defined by ‘I think therefore I am’ and where all our work has gone from manual to intellectual, the mind has become our master. Meaning we are no longer just using the mind when we need it (for planning, remembering, etc), but we are constantly living in the mind and struggling to separate between virtual and physical reality.
Mechanism 1 - Negativity Bias:
Does this sound familiar?
You receive five positive comments and one negative comment. Which comment replays on your mind?
Exactly, despite the overwhelming positive feedback, you find yourself obsessing over the single negative remark, feeling annoyed and doubting yourself.
—> Historically, focusing on potential threats, negativity and worst-case scenarios helped our ancestors survive by preparing them for danger. This is evolutionary piece of software is still running in your mind. Say hello to your Negativity Bias!
Mechanism 2 - Confirmation Bias:
Does this sound familiar?
You have always thought you’re not good at something - let’s say public speaking. Despite receiving praise for your recent presentation, you dismiss the positive feedback as people just being polite. Instead, your mind focuses on the minor stumbles you made, using them as evidence to confirm your belief that you're bad at public speaking.
—> If you believe “I am not a good person” or “I’m not capable,” your mind will look for proof that this is true and ignore contradictory evidence. No wonder we struggle to change our critical thoughts about ourselves.
Mechanism 3 - Cognitive Efficiency: (a.k.a Cascading Negative Thoughts)
Does this sound familiar?
You accidentally spill coffee on your crisp white shirt before an important meeting. This small mishap triggers a flood of other negative thoughts: "I'm so clumsy," "I can't do anything right," "Everyone will think I'm incompetent," leading you to feel deeply inadequate.
—> This is a little efficiency trick of the mind that backfires; by connecting small errors to larger patterns of failure, the brain attempts to quickly make sense of events and prepare for future occurrences.
These last 2 mechanisms are part of the feedback loop that controls your life…
What we feel, what we think, and what we do are integral to who we are. What’s less obvious is how these 3 elements interact.
Your emotions, thoughts, and actions are connected to one another in a bi-directional feedback loop. Each element influences the others, creating a very convincing reality:
Mechanism 4 - Thoughts Create Emotions
Imagine this scenario: You are walking down the street when you see an old friend on the other side, so you smile and wave, but your old friend just carries on walking.
You think: “Why is she angry with me, what have I done?”
—>Emotion: You feel sad/upset
Now instead consider:
You think: “Oh she probably didn’t see me”
—>Emotion: You feel fine and continue with your day
Which one are you more likely to have?
—> It’s not the event / situation itself that determines how you feel - it’s your thinking about that situation that leads to how you feel.
We often treat our emotions as signs that our thoughts are true, but the reality is that all thoughts (even the ones that are not true) generate emotions, which make them seem more plausible.
Mechanism 5 - Emotions influence thoughts:
Does this sound familiar?
On a particularly stressful day, you feel low and think, "I can't handle anything right now." However, on a good day when you’re feeling happy, you confidently handle multiple tasks without issue.
—> The reverse of point 4 is also true. Feeling a certain way causes you to think and act a certain way - and so the feedback loop continues.
Given all of these mental mechanisms, you can see that your thoughts create a distorted view of reality and lead you into negative spirals that keep you small.
De-centering explained
So how do we avoid being caught in these cognitive biases and negative thinking loops?
The solution is to bring these mechanisms to light. If we are consciously aware of them, we no longer need to be controlled by them.
The skill of de-centering is a form of self-awareness often practiced in meditation, and it involves adopting an 'observer' mindset that allows you to step back and view your thoughts and feelings from a distance, like watching clouds drift by.
Instead of treating your thoughts and emotions as absolute truth, with regular practice, you can create a small but significant space between yourself and your mental processes and emotions.
This lets you see reality with greater clarity. It’s a way of breaking your identification with your thoughts.
This skill lies at the very foundation of personal evolution and growth.
5 practical tips to cultivate a healthier relationship with your thoughts (and emotions) using the skill of de-centering:
1) KEEP A THOUGHT JOURNAL:
Learn to identify your most common negative thought loops by writing them down on a paper. Make a list of your negative thoughts whenever you notice a negative spiral.
Revisit them when you are having a good day and see if they still feel true. Keep repeating this process until you can start catching these negative thoughts before they snowball into something bigger.
When you notice a familiar negative thought you can say to yourself "Oh there you are again, I see you.” This helps break your identification with the thought.
2) LISTEN TO YOUR 2nd AND 3rd BRAIN
We live in a world defined by ‘I think therefore I am’ but in reality you have much deeper wisdom available to you from the heart, gut, body and soul.
Learn to connect back to these wisdom centres to give you other places of truth that you can trust for guidance when the mind has a limited perspective.
3) PRACTICE MINDFULNESS
Grow your capacity to observe your thoughts and emotions rather than identify with them through daily meditation or mindfulness practice. This also supports growing your ability to connect with your intuition and other places of wisdom, like your heart.
Here’s a short 5-minute practice to get you started:
4) ASK THESE 4 QUESTIONS
When there is a thought or belief that causes pain, use the famous process of self-inquiry by Byron Katie by asking these 4 key questions:
Is it true?
Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
How do you react when you believe that thought?
Who would you be without the thought?
5) WORK WITH ME / A LIFE COACH
In short, working with a coach offers a safe space to explore your life and empowers you to break your identification with limiting thoughts (and consequently, emotions), so that you can live your life with greater confidence and fulfillment.
If you want to explore coaching with me, book a free exploratory call. No strings attached!
Wishing you well and always rooting for you.
With love,
Emma
